Imposter Syndrome
Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Have you ever felt like you were NOT good enough? Smart enough? Popular enough? Rich enough? Old enough? Young enough? Man enough? Women enough?
After a year of waiting.... Today, I graduate from seminary with my 4 year MDiv degree (Masters of Divinity). I know my degree sounds like I am a Christian wizard... but my educational experience wasn’t magical at all! I have struggled in school ever since I can remember. I didn’t learn to read until the 5th grade and I was in special education until my junior year of High School. I am dyslexic and struggle with ADHD. I didn’t think I would graduate from High School, let alone college and never a Master's degree. Me a master? Impossible. I didn’t think I was good enough for that. My learning disabilities resulted in a mountain of insecurity. Insecurity is allowing your worst self to outweigh your best self. Insecurity is not about the things you can or can’t do. Insecurity stems from not knowing your value and worth. Insecurity is an identity issue.
I remember being in classes with brilliant professors, accomplished academics and gifted peers and thinking... how did they let me in here? I am an imposter!!! Have you ever felt like you do not belong? You just don’t seem to fit in. Have you ever been afraid that someone will find out that you are really not that smart and talented? I can empathize with you. I have felt that way much of my life. This is a lonely and sad place to be in. I still struggle today to belong.
One of my take aways from my studies was… We are all imposters!!! No one, no matter how smart, accomplished and distinguished is complete without the priceless and unfathomable love of God. Gods love is already complete no matter what you or I do or don’t do. Gods love is found in a state of being rather than doing. Knowledge in itself means nothing without love! “But knowledge puffs up while love builds up(1 Cor. 8:1).” Knowledge is like blowing a bubble. You think you are so amazing because of your big bubble and then all of sudden it pops!! Knowledge has taught me... the more you know the more you don’t know. Our knowledge is incomplete and fails us, but the love of God never fails us. Love slowly builds a firm and secure foundation in Christ. A loving and personal relationship with Christ is based on knowing Christ and being fully known by Him. Many fans know a ton of information about their favorite celebrity. But they are not personally known by that celebrity. We can read about Christ and know a lot about the Bible and deep theological concepts, but not actually know Christ personally. This is the problem of knowledge without love.
When we know Christ and we are known by Him we begin to understand that we are good enough and belong!!! You and I were good enough for God to create. Good enough for Jesus to die for. Good enough for God to love for eternity!! We belong because God loves us and His love is more than good enough for you and I.
But why do I have a hard time feeling like I am good enough? Why do I struggle to feel like I actually do belong? Why don’t I always feel like I am loved?
When I was younger I had a hard time accepting that God loved me. Why would God give a person he loved learning disabilities? Why would God allow me and so many others so much misfortune, heartbreak and pain?
I find it interesting that for there to be love on this side of heaven there has to be pain. Well you might say.... wait a minute God is love and in God there is no pain. True, God is perfect love. And in heaven there will be no more suffering and pain (good news) but last time I checked you and I are not in heaven yet (bad news). Jesus left perfection to come to our painful mess of a world. And Jesus showed his love by going through the most extreme pain and suffering on the cross. Even God had to feel pain in order for you and I to be loved, forgiven and to be saved. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends (John 15:13).” Jesus didn’t deserve to suffer and experience the worlds sin and pain on the cross. But it was through Christ’s pain and suffering that the words sin was paid for. Without the pain and suffering of Jesus there would be no redemption and love. If Jesus experienced pain and suffering... so will I (imagine if that was a line in Hillsong’s hit song, “so will I”. It would be more honest and true.)
Pain and suffering deeply shapes us. Our pain often reveals Gods purpose and plan for our life. It did for Jesus. Gods plan all along was for his son, Jesus, to give his life to be a ransom for many. Because of Jesus we have have a new life and how we get that new life is through pain and suffering. This is the theology of cruciformity. This is not a feel good or popular belief today. But if you read the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and see how much pain and suffering Jesus went through and remember that to be a Christian means to be “a little Christ” and actually follow Jesus.... you put two and two together and know that suffering is a part of the Christian life. Suffering is unescapable. “Suffering is the spiritual discipline no one willfully chooses, but it is the one spiritual discipline that chooses you (DWE).”
At the end of ourselves we find God. What if suffering and pain was not the end? What if embracing the struggle and relying on Gods power and strength was just the beginning? To the degree in which you are willing to face and embrace your pain and suffering is the degree in which God will redeem and transform your life. If we follow Jesus into suffering we can be certain we will follow him into glory!! He never leaves or forsakes us. God doesn’t promise us a perfect life, but He does promise us a fully loved life. The only thing we can be secure in this life is Gods love.
As I graduate today, I want to encourage you that your pain has a purpose. I believe that God did not cause your pain, but he did allow it and wants to use it to shape you into the person you are meant to be. My learning disabilities revealed Gods great ability to work in and through my life. Don’t waste your pain. God will do some of his highest work in your life in your most difficult and painful seasons, if you allow him to.
My degree has only made me rely more and more on Gods power and grace. I echo the words of the Apostle Paul, “For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” Knowledge begins and ends with Christ. Anything outside of the love of Christ will make you an imposter!